mrkilborn

Notes from Martha's legal pad:

Change name of magazine to Martha Stewart Living (in Prison)

K Mart, where the "K" stands for "Konfined!"

How to craft a bar of soap to resemble a pistol, using only your fingernails.

Planning an elegant dinner with your bitch in mind.

Creating a garden by the side of the road.

Drawings of the jurors, each one prepared in a different way... boiled, fried, scrambled, etc.

My favorite recipe for hacksaw pie.

Polishing your handcuffs and leg irons for that extra "bling."

Write a charming letter to O.J. asking how he did it, then get Cochran and appeal.

To d_barrymore for her star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame! It's about time for that!

To The New England Patriots, for winning the Big Game! Congratulations to amanda_latona, too!

Congratulations to MTV. The best Super Bowl game in the history of football, and the only thing people are talking about is the boobage. Janet, I'll see you at CBS's coverage of the Grammys this weekend. Try to keep the malfunctions to a minimum, huh? Call me Kilborn if you're Nasty.

To Incubus for their great new album. I need to get you guys to perform sometime soon.

As for my week... everything is great. People are starting to call me the "Late Night Ryan Seacrest," so how wonderful is that?

I think it's time to start having a few more of our MBP crew around on the show. I typically don't have a lot of the people who keep journals on the CBS telecast, and I'm going to make an effort to do some more of that soon.

The concentration is on February Sweeps... the most important time for television! Why, then did MTV's "Total Request Live" take this week off, especially when everyone is talking about that Super Bowl halftime show, produced by that network.

Ok. I have an exciting show tonight. I have to get myself mentally prepared to interview Dennis Kucinich!!!!!! Rock on, rockers.

A week from tonight on your Late Late Show... m_moore!

With "liberty" and "just us" for all! ;)

Ok. I'm frantically trying to call travel agents to get booked on an earlier flight back to LA to get to work on our Britney stories.

Granted, our first show will be great, since we have one of the stars of Fox's "The O.C.," rachel__bilson as a guest! You have to check that out, it's going to be good.

But the humor is going to sell everything and today it's all about Britney and whatever Alexander she married. I've been informed that it's not the "Seinfeld" Alexander. For what it's worth, it is!

If I can get to the airport in an hour, I can get on a charter to San Francisco and fly down from there at 9am. At this point, it almost doesn't matter. I just need to get west ASAP. Suddenly, I'm on an episode of "The Amazing Race!"

I almost feel like doing a show tonight there's so much going on.

Maybe we should try to get an interview with the clerk that issued the license, and the people present when they got married. I personally think this is her continuing the great akutcher's Punk'd tradition, but don't sue me if I'm wrong!

Ok. Forget breakfast. I'm off to the airport now!

I think the rule is if someone invites you to a party, you are the guest. That generally means that you aren't paying to attend (unless that's made clear before you arrive, like a cover or bar charge). So, when you are in a situation where a lot of people are doing some pretty heavy drinking of some top shelf product, you don't expect to have to cover their costs.

I don't want to name names here. That's just not my style. And no, it wasn't any of the wonderful people over at MTV. In fact, they deserved to be bought the bar for all of the running around back and forth, in and out of the TRL studios! It was the New York City Marathon over there, and I think vanessaminnillo got the biggest workout, going from the roof to the street to the green room to the stage! She fluttered around Times Square like a piece of confetti and was just as cute.

Anyway, back to the complaints... If you know you aren't going to be paying for your drinks, think about who is. And you don't have to get the whole bar in your belly! You're only going to dump it into the toilet in a few hours... one way or another!

Is that the way to bring in the new year? All red-eyed and headachey, indulging so much you don't even remember the party you were at the night before? Sleeping right through all daylight hours? Eh. I attended three parties overall and had a total of 6 drinks all night, none of which I drained. And look! I can create a coherent sentence. And I can balance my checkbook, despite that evil bartab.

I think maybe next year I'll stick to leaving home with no billfold, no plastic. Then I won't be the one left holding the receipt! Let that be a lesson to me. It's better to give than to receive (the check)!

I could go into great detail about all of this, but I think people would say I'm being petty. Maybe I am. Well, if there's one thing I am... it's fair. So, perhaps I'll plan my own little soiree when I get back home. Maybe I'll rent out a venue for a little Valentine mixer? I don't think we've had a good Valentine's party since Hef got his seventh (current) girlfriend. That's far too long. But not as long as it's been since Hef got his seventh (overall) girlfriend! That was World War II or something like that!

I'm rambling now. I'm babbling now. Truthfully, it could have been a lot worse. If I had to pick up the tab at PUFFY'S party, I'd be in debt through New Years, 2044. That wouldn't be good for anybody. And at least the hors d'oevures weren't on the bill. A small favor in the form of a jumbo shrimp.

I hope you all had a lovely New Year's and that you all got to drink for free, like a lot of my friends did!

Welcome to 2004!

I spent a good amount of time in NYC, after all, I was the original host of The Daily Show (even though I never got on the cover of Newsweek for it).

The nice thing about New York is when you just visit for a short while. It's great because things are relatively easy to get to... it's all close. But it's just very intense. There's no real escape. In LA, at least there's a bit more space, and you can hide out in your own vehicle, along with every other person!

I don't think I would consider moving the show to New York after Letterman retires, and frankly, I don't know if I will still be on the air at that time. But there is a definite energy that you find here that you don't in Los Angeles.

Tomorrow night I'll be toasting the new year... I have invites to three parties! There's so many things to do. The Armani Tux will get a full workout.

Hard to believe that there's less than 24 hours left in 2003.

So, I know there are people out there who balk against the concept of resolutions. They fight against them because they either don't want to consider the possibilities of needing to change or thinking that what they are doing isn't right... or they don't have the intestinal fortitude to correct some obvious problems. It's just so easy to remain in the rut, isn't it people?

Well, the fact is we all can use some improvement... even me, if you can believe it! And the new year is a great excuse to do just that. You have a fresh calendar, a fresh start and a world of good intentions. It's all filled with hope and promise.

Frankly, there's not a lot of improvements I can make on myself. Hey. Just being honest! I'm in top physical condition... though I guess I could run a bit more and work out a little more. I could always be a bit more well read. When's that next Parry Hotter book coming out?

And then there's wishing people a happy birthday. I mean, what's that? Do I send you a card you didn't want or a gift you don't need? It's a lot of opportunity to spoil an otherwise nice day for you. That's why I tend not to bother with birthdays. If you're on my friends list, then you know that I <3 U, and care about you. Or, I hope you know it. If you didn't before, you know it now!

Having said that, I'm sending a birthday wish out to j_law, just because he's one of the nicest guys around here.

If you really want me to make a big deal about your birthday, it's simple. Throw a party and invite me to it. Be sure that it's at a high-profile venue, like The Kodak Theater, The Standard, The Pennisula, The Four Seasons, Chasen's, Dodger Stadium, etc. I'll be sure to bring you flowers and a gift you won't forget! One proviso: be sure to give me two weeks notice! I'm a very busy man.

That brings me back to the resolutions thing.

What are you going to do about your self-improvement dreams? You need to be diciplined. Make a plan, come up with ways to execute it and begin!

Here are my list of resolutions. Feel free to co-op any or all of them.

1. Talk only when it's worth talking about.

This will be difficult to keep, considering the subjects that come up on the television show, but I'll try to keep it to a minimum. That means I'll probably limit my posting around here. But if there's something that is meant to be joked about, I'll be there.

2. Physical shape.

I plan to run daily, and work out at least three times weekly. I just reupped my gym membership, and I plan to use more than just the steamroom this year. I'm going to be NBA bench ready by the playoffs!

3. Cut back on the alcohol.

I say this every year and I do it every year! This time, I plan to drink only with meals, except for a drink or two during cocktail hour. Okay! Just one martini. If you pace yourself, you can burn off those olives in no time.

4. More great ideas for everyone.

I like to think of myself as a catalyst for fun in the MBP community. I had a hand in such varied activities as The First and Second Annual Bubble Awards, Family Feud, MBP Celebrity Big Brother Game and, of course, the late_late_show. Hopefully, there will be more chances for more excitement for everyone in the new year!

But no matter the resolutions, no matter the efforts, successful or failed... what matters is attempting good things, helping out the people you encounter, and having the best possible time on the journey. If you only make one resolution for 2004, let it be that one.

Proud of you.

2003 was quite a year, wasn't it? What will the television historians say about 2003 when they look back on it?

* Trista Got Married! There's your headline right there! Then, two years from now, we can watch them get divorced.

* Madonna and Britney. Somehow, Christina got left out of this. Maybe if they did a triple kiss, it would have been... well, it would have been an orgy. Or a riot. Or a catfight!

* Clay Aiken and Ruben Studdard. A Reuben ain't nothin' but a sandwich. But Clay can be moulded into whatever you like... so the hetero girls can make him straight and the rest of the world can, you know, be real.

* Simple Girls... Whether Jessica or Paris and Nicole or Ally and Jaime, we will remember the lifestyles of those rich girls living simple lives. Will we ever be the same? Will they???

* Queer Eye For The Straight Guy. Why wasn't I a consultant on this show?

* Bachelor Bob. Why was everyone falling all over this guy? He was supposed to be so different and wonderful, but in the end he was just like every other guy on that show. Oh, but yeah, he recorded a horrible CD. Maybe he should have just stuck to "Riverdance."

* Survivor. Who won again?

* Real World. Do people still watch this?

* The Restaurant. They actually showed rats in the kitchen. There's a great advertisement for that eaterie! Nice going, Rocco!

* Osbournes. Some people will do anything to add drama to their shows, but flipping your ATV? I mean, that's drama nobody needs! Get well, Ozzy! We need more laughs next year.

* Saddam. That seriously was the most expensive haircut in history.

Let's hope next year brings more things to smile about, more things to think about and more work for you. Keep it real.

HAPPY 2004!

So, what are your Thanksgiving Leftovers looking like?

I know, I haven't been around much. And I probably still won't be around much. But I am still somewhat around.

Just not much.

Hope you're well, and that you haven't gained too much from the feast.

Greetings from New York. I took a redeye here this morning because I'm one of the featured stars in the galaxy known as the "Columbia Broadcasting System." In case you never tune in to CBS, let me just say, there is a big party on Sunday night, telecast LIVE at 8pm EST, 7 Central.

"CBS at 75" is going to feature every star that ever had a show on the network. People you don't know are going to be there. People you've never heard of are invited! They gave me a list. Listen to this. Captain Kangaroo. Know who that is? He's going to be there. Walter Cronkite. He's old enough to be on "60 Minutes!" He's going to be there.

I can't wait to see the reunion of the cast of "I Love Lucy." I think they brought in John Edward special just for that.

The surviving castaways from "Gilligan's Island," at the same table with the surviving castaways from "Survivor!" Isn't that compelling television? Important television? Water cooler television? It's the television you watch television for, that's for sure.

There'll be great clips from shows you've never seen, like "Hogan's Heroes" and "M*A*S*H." According to the eyeball, war isn't hell, it's hell-arious! Heh heh! Get it?

Carol Burnett, Bob Newhart, Ed Sullivan, he's the guy who is named for David Letterman's studio, yeah! Someday, it'll be called the Sullivan/Letterman Theater. I have that feeling. Maybe we'll find out "Who Shot J.R.?" Maybe we'll find out "What's My Line?" Maybe we won't find out a thing, but it should be fun trying!

Wait a second. I don't know if I'm giving you the proper perspective on this. This CBS 75 show. It's a once in a lifetime event. "Alias," "Simpsons," those are going to get rerun forever! But! Seeing both Rob Petrie and Lou Grant grabbing Mary Tyler Moore's ass on the same stage? That's a one-shot deal.

So tomorrow night, when you're trying to decide what you want to watch... just think. What's going to provide my most unique entertainment value? Some cartoon or cop show that Fox is going to show a clip from on THEIR 75th anniversary show? Or maybe, just maybe, seeing The Jeffersons and Tony Orlando singing the theme from "Hawaii Five-O" accompanied by Maude, Jimmie "JJ" Walker, Morley Safer, Della Reese and Ray Romano? Ted Danson of "Becker" teamed up with Mary Steenburgen of "Joan of Arcadia!" When would you ever see that pairing, huh?

Television gold like this doesn't happen every day, I promise you!

<3 U.

I'm going to take a quick nap, then go out and enjoy a lovely day here in town. Did you know it's going to get up to 70 degrees here today? Even the weather is cooperating! So should you.

Happy November (sweeps)!