Text (And Subtext)

[mrkilborn]

I had a lovely evening with all of the crew at the Miramax Party. Gwyneth was her radiant self and I met Harvey Weinstein for the first time. He's quite the gregarious fellow, joking with me about the show (who knew he liked "The Ewok Guy?"), and just talking about such old film classics like "Sex, Lies and Videotape."

Gwyn was a little butterfly, flitting from table to table and glowing like a lightning bug.

I'm not sure why I'm using insect references... there must be a reason for that.

Anyway, what I was thinking about, in between running lines for "Old School" which I am filming scenes for tomorrow, I was thinking about the women in my life. Actually, there are NO women "IN" my life, but there are several "AROUND" it.

There's Gwyn. She's always very polite and reserved. However, I discovered she has this wild side that comes out when she's around Andy Hallett. *shrugs* I don't quite know what to make of it. It's very schitzophrenic. But, that's also the mark of an excellent actress. I don't blame her. However, what is she really looking for? If Andy makes her feel happy, why bother with me?

Then, There's Debra. For some reason, a lot of people here think that Deb and I were practically married. WHY IS THAT?

First of all, we only went on a couple of dates and to a couple of functions. It never got very serious at all. True it *might* have, but it didn't.

My feelings about Debra are clouded a bit. I like her as a person, however I just don't feel comfortable being "romantically linked" with her. What does that mean? I'm not into dating her.

Problem is, she's really pushing to get us back together, and other people seem to be as well. *shrugs* Well, I'm really not feeling good about it. It's too close, and it's too confusing.

Then, there are several other women floating on the fringes. I won't even name them here, because none of them have actually said anything to me about my dating status. But there are flirtations.

I don't know how to please anyone else. I can only "take care of" myself. Hea! Get it? Kittens do die.

Ugh. So, my only point of mentioning this was because erika_christiansen and I started chatting about it. It really was a topic that should be addressed in the open, not just in some private talk. Hence the post.

I don't know what I want, exactly. I do know I like Debra and want her to be a friend. As for the rest of it... I'm sure I'll get some more info soon. Or some guilt.

Best luck to the Oscar Nominees! I'll be watching while on breaks in my tiny trailerette, and I reserved 6 hours of time on my TiVo, just in case the show goes that long. Hopefully, I'll see some of you at Morton's for the VF Party after the show!

Proud.

Comments

[erika-c.livejournal.com]

I'm glad we talked. I hope we can do it again sometime.

[mrkilborn.livejournal.com]

I'm sure we will!

[debra-messing.livejournal.com]

For some reason, a lot of people here think that Deb and I were practically married. WHY IS THAT?

I wish I knew the answer to that question myself.

Fact of the matter is--the times that I spent with you were the times I was the happiest in a long time. Your conversation and companionship helped me over a very rough time in my life, and I'm not going to forget that. The brief romance that followed was just that--brief. But in my opinion it was, as they say, short and sweet.

I'm curious as to why you don't feel comfortable being "linked" to me. Before the whole thing that ended our pseudo-relationship, I never saw a problem with the way that we had been going. Was I blind to something that you saw about me that made you uncomfortable?

I have been pushing pretty hard lately, I realize that. It's one of my biggest faults, in my opinion--pushing so hard and being blind to the reactions of people until it's too late. But please understand...I wouldn't be pushing unless I thought there was something worth pushing for.

That said...

Romance isn't something that can ever be forced, and I'm not going to continue pursuing someone who doesn't feel comfortable being romantic with me anymore. I say that as if I have control over my emotions. ::sad smile:: But, knowing exactly how you feel...it's made the decision for me.

As for Erika--she just wants her "big sis" to be happy.

[erika-c.livejournal.com]

Yes, I do want you to be happy, Deb.
I'm sorry that my poking fun seemed to have more serious connotations. I didn't realize the exact history, and now I feel like an ass.

And wow. I really need to talk to you. About this and about other things.

[debra-messing.livejournal.com]

Don't feel like an ass. It's fine sweetheart. ::hugs::

I posted a novel in your journal too--go read. :)

[mrkilborn.livejournal.com]

It's okay, Deb. I hope you continue to stay my friend and continue to talk with me.

Thanks for being so understanding.

[debra-messing.livejournal.com]

Understanding isn't exactly the word.

I wish we could talk about it. And then, I think, why put myself through the hurt to see why I'm not wanted?

But as for being your friend--of course. You might just have to give me some time though.

[lutz.livejournal.com]

>>>However, I discovered she has this wild side that comes out when she's around Andy Hallett. *shrugs* I don't quite know what to make of it. <<<

Honestly, Andy has this way about him, brings down any barriers people have built up around themselves. I've seen it happen many a time - hell it happened to me. It's as if the more time you spend around him, the more his inner child encourages your own to come out and play.